


Forgiveness is a Sin

by Revision (orphan_account)



Category: Mystic Messenger
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-14 21:29:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9204056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Revision
Summary: Had V been standing a few inches left, the bullet would have pierced his heart and killed him. Now he must bear the burden of living as consequence for what he has done.





	1. Chapter 1

He had finally merged with the sun. A warm feeling embraced his entire being, accompanied by a blinding light. For the first time in months he could see color vividly in a swirling mass behind his shut eyelids. A small smile crept on his lips, welcoming the warmth, letting it wash over him as it burned away all of his earthly transgressions. In the next life, in his next life with Rika, he would love her even more than before. The smile slowly began to slip from his face and everything slowly grew dim.

***

There it was again. That comforting warmth. It was stronger than before, spreading out from within his chest. No symphony of colors accompanied this sensation, except for the color red. 

And then everything became unbearably hot. His unseeing eyes opened wide, his face contorting into a silent shriek of pain as the burning sensation consumed him. He was tethered once again to his body, which was in an immense amount of pain. His chest rose and fell rapidly, allowing him only shallow breaths. He moved his hands to claw at his chest, but was effectively restrained.

“Mr. Kim, please stop thrashing. We need to administer your medication” 

“Keep him steady. If he doesn’t stop he’ll reopen his wounds”

“On my count. 1… 2… 3…”

After only a few moments a heavy daze took over, easing him of the burning sensation. He let his eyes close once more, ready for the warmth to come and comfort him despite how scorching it had just felt. The only thing he was met with was coldness.

***

“R… Rika…” he let out the softest of murmurs, but Jumin, who had been avidly by his bedside caught it.

“Jihyun…” he spoke softly, trying to rouse the man fully out of his drug induced haze. “V, it’s me- Jumin” A breath of relief left the dark haired man once pale blue eyes opened and began staring blindly around the room. “Thank God...” Jumin said in earnest, allowing for enough sound to guide his friend’s gaze towards him.

“Jumin” V’s voice came through very soft and hoarse, the other man needing to nearly strain himself to hear him over the beeping of the machinery in the room. 

“Don’t strain yourself. Rest. I’ll be here” Jumin reassured. He watched as V’s eyes began to shut slowly against his will, no match for the heavy pain medication he was on. He drifted off into another cold sleep while Jumin felt a few silent tears fall down his face in mourning. Being the more emotional and philosophical of the two was going to prove to be devastating when the time came to tell him of... 

A light knock at the door signaled V’s hourly vitals check. Jumin quickly wiped his face with a handkerchief as the nurse walked in, greeting him before examining V. 

“How is he?” Jumin asked anxiously only just after the examination had begun.

“He’s stable now” they began, turning towards the tall man with sympathy. “His body went into a state of shock when he first woke up, so we’ll be carefully monitoring his drug intake to ease the pain. This means that when he does wake within the next few days, he won’t be fully coherent. After we lessen the strength and dosage of his medication, I would advise that no heavy subject matter be said to him, as we don’t yet know his psychological state.”

He nodded his head a few times in response, trying to process the information objectively. He was visibly shaken despite his attempt to keep a cool facade. “If you don’t mind my saying” the nurse added tentatively, “he is very lucky to be alive. If he had been hit a few more inches to the right, the bullet would have lodged in his heart”. They returned her attention to the patient, quickly finishing your rounds.

They snuck a glance at the other man, who was still white knuckled as he stared at his friend. The look on his face did not denote comfort, so they continued “Mr. Han, I guarantee that he will pull through this” they said, lowering themself a bit so that they were eye level with him, a reassuring hand placed on his shoulder. “Can I get you anything?” they asked before leaving the room.

“No, thank you” he responded in a more calm manner.

“See you in an hour” they offered with a small smile before exiting.

***

True to their word, the nurse was back every hour to check on both men. Despite Mr. Han’s assurances that he was fine, they still brought food and water for him when appropriate. V’s condition was the same as before, leaving little to do except replace his iv bags, and change his bandages. 

When the time came to ask whether or not Mr. Han would be staying overnight, he seemed visibly torn. He reluctantly replied that he would have to leave, he had a cat at home waiting for him, but he would be back again tomorrow. The nurse bid him goodnight and he thanked them, asking for their name seeing as they were the nurse responsible for taking care of V.

“MC” they said with a small smile. He thanked them again before leaving the room, leaving just them and their patient.

***

The same cycle of events happened the next few days: Mr. Han- Jumin as he told you to call him- had come in early every morning waiting for Mr. Kim to wake up. He would stay for long stretches of time, never removing himself from the only chair in the room. 

“Mr. Jumin, Mr. Kim is still on very heavy painkillers and his body needs the rest. I will call you to let you know if anything changes, but unless you are finally staying the night I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to leave” It was nearing one in the morning, two hours past the regular visiting hours. You could see the strain that staying at the hospital as often as he was, was having on him. Dark circles were prominent under his eyes from lack of sleep. Like several times before, you gently reminded him to keep up his own strength. 

With a heavy sigh he finally stood up, once again thanking you for your service and your worry. He bid you goodnight and left and the room fell silent again. You checked on Mr. Kim, noticing a cold sweat that had formed, coating his body in a soft glow in the dimmed lighting. With a frown, you pulled out a thermometer and checked his temperature, relieved to find that he had no fever.

You did move to get a cool rag and place it on his forehead, attempting to stop the sweating. He was still as you placed it, moving his slightly dirty hair out of the way. You caught yourself staring a moment too long at him, suddenly shaking your head to snap yourself out of whatever trance you had fallen under. You were curious about him, sure, but making him well again was top priority.

You were on your way out when the sound of movement caught your ear. Turning back, you saw him slowly open his eyes, shifting a little in his bed. He opened his mouth to say something, and you slowly began making your way back to him.

You nearly let out a gasp when you saw his eyes, but years of being a nurse had prepared you. His eyes were paled, the surface marred by scars from an old wound. His lids lowered halfway until finally fluttering shut. He muttered something too slurred for you to understand, but you stood patiently by his side. Based on the cadence, he seemed to be repeating one word over and over again without much clarity.

“Mr. Kim” you spoke softly, momentarily halting him “You’re in the hospital” He gave no reaction to this news, so you said “You still need to rest” He mumbled a few more times before drifting back off to sleep, however this time you were able to make out what he had been saying.

_ “Rika” _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to update...Anyways, I hope you like this chapter!

After a week had passed, the dosage was finally lowered and everyone was anxious to see what state of mind V would be in. He was quiet most of the time around you, but that was understandable. He was still polite and would ask how you were doing, but he didn’t seem to want to make much conversation.

Though Jumin was the most frequent visitor, he was not the only one. A tall man named Zen and a college boy named Yoosung made their rounds as well, as did Jumin’s assistant, Jaehee. None of their visits were nearly as long, however. Whenever he was surrounded by his loved ones, he was more talkative, even making attempts to laugh. A short while after the visits, a psychiatrist selected by Jumin was called in to evaluate him. 

“Mr. Kim, it would be wise to undergo therapy. They would advise 3-4 sessions a week at a minimum” You repeated to both men, just as the psychiatrist had. The teal haired man said nothing, but Jumin thanked you. Mr. Kim  had been very quiet on the matter of his recovery, and despite his body beginning to heal, his lowered mental health seemed to be at a standstill.

***

You could hear the two men begin to argue softly over the necessity of ‘it’ often, as you read over the report. At first, you thought that Mr. Kim was going to refuse therapy- which was unavoidable despite being worded as if he were given a choice. But no mention of a therapist could be heard from your desk across the hall.

You wondered what ‘it’ could be as you grazed over his patient file one more time. At the bottom, there was a bullet point list of maladaptive traits that you assumed the teal haired man possessed.

  * Emotionally Codependent
  * Self sacrificing
  * Secretive
  * Conflict Avoidant
  * Overly self reliant



Your eyes tore from the file when you heard the door open and an exasperated sigh. Jumin came out, looking slightly flushed and very annoyed. You quickly closed the file and set it down. 

“Is there anything wrong, Mr. Jumin?”

“It seems that I’ve chosen the most stubborn, idiotic man alive to be my best friend” he huffed, placing his fingers on his temples and rubbing slowly. You sat there quietly, not knowing how to respond to Jumin’s comment. “Ah, forgive me for making such crude remarks. I’m simply frustrated” He added quickly, in an attempt to dissolve the tension.

“Can I get you anything? Tea?” You asked, standing up from behind your desk.

“Thank you, but I must take my leave shortly. I’ve already spent more time here than I intended to for now” His grey eyes fell onto the patient file, and he inquired about Mr. Kim’s condition. 

Jumin had often asked you about his condition, despite knowing that you couldn’t tell him anything due to patient confidentiality. You gently reminded him that it was unethical to do so. He apologized and took his leave, while you went to go check on your patient.

“Jumin, I’ve had enough. I’m not getting the eye surgery” The teal haired man said irritatedly upon hearing the door open. His eyebrows were knit together behind a pair of sunglasses, and a frown rested on his face. 

“Pardon me, Mr. Kim, but it’s MC” you said calmly, trying your best to not seem as taken aback as you were. This was the most emotion that you had seen him give off during his stay here.

“... Please excuse my rudeness” he said much more quietly, slightly bowing his head.

“It’s quite alright, but your blood pressure has skyrocketed” you scolded lightly as you took the inflatable band off of his arm. “You are still recovering, so please refrain from getting yourself so worked up”

“I’m sorry for causing you so much trouble” he commented weakly. You reassured him that he was your patient, not a burden. It was your job to be responsible for him. 

“Would you like to take a bath, Mr. Kim?” It would be the first one since he had arrived, and his slightly greasy hair gave indication that now would be a good time for one. He politely refused, claiming to be tired. “Then later, perhaps. You shouldn’t go too much longer without one; your wound might get infected” you remarked before heading back to your desk.

The argument that you had overheard earlier floated to the front of your mind as you picked up the file again. ‘It’ seemed to have been the eye surgery that Mr. Kim refused when he thought you were Jumin. What you, and undoubtedly Jumin, didn’t understand was why. Without the surgery, he would remain blind, and there was most likely only a very small window left for it to be effective.

The call button rang out suddenly, startling you from your thoughts as you rushed into the room. You found Mr. Kim on the floor a bit aways from anything, struggling to reorient himself. His hands tried to grab onto anything, but only caught air. The only reason that the call button had gone off was because the remote had fallen onto the floor, button side down. You moved to help him up but he stopped you.

“I can do this myself” he said insistently. You allowed him to stand on his own before going alongside him to guide and support him. He stood on shaky legs, half of his weight leaning onto you.

“Where were you trying to go?” Normally, Jumin had been with him if he needed to get around at all. You would have done it, but neither had ever called you to assist. 

“Bathroom” he responded quietly. A look of shame washed over him as he accepted your help. You made your way slowly, staying quiet to focus on holding him up. He was nearly double your size and rather lanky. This was your first time seeing him stand at nearly his full height beside you.

Once you entered the bathroom, he tried to insist that he would be fine alone but you wouldn’t have it. You helped him over to the toilet and sat him down before going to stand outside the door. A few minutes later you heard a flush and the sound of running water and figured it was safe to reenter.

You were surprised to find him with his head in the sink, rinsing out his dirty hair to the best of his ability. His glasses were on the counter beside him, and water was splashing everywhere.

“Mr. Kim?” you inquired and he froze. He shut the water off and straightened, despite still having soap in his hair. You let out a sigh and told him to lower his head once more. He did so, while you grabbed the nearby shampoo and conditioner, rather than using regular hand soap like he had tried.

You poured a generous amount of shampoo into your palm before lathering it into his hair. It was extremely awkward, as the style of sink was not meant for this. Mr. Kim’s tall frame didn’t help either, as he was bent uncomfortably to accommodate the sink.

You rinsed out his fading teal locks before applying conditioner. You withdrew your fingers to let it sit, while you grabbed some towels to dry the floor, and to dry his hair. After rinsing out the conditioner, he straightened and you handed him a towel. Neither one of you said a word during the exchange, save for you commenting that he might as well wash his body in the shower since he would need to change out of his wet hospital gown. 

You offered to find a male nurse, if you seeing him naked made him uncomfortable, but he shook his head ‘no’. The gown was stripped and you guided him into the shower, handing him a bar of soap. You took all of the wet towels and gown and threw them into a hamper in the corner of the room, before going to get a new set of both from the room.

When you re-entered the bathroom, he stood outside the shower dripping wet. Your eyes fell to a large bruise blooming across his right hip and upper thigh. 

“Here” you said, handing him the towels and turning away as he made himself decent. A few minutes later you were helping lace up the back of his hospital gown before leading him back to bed. 

“I’m sorry for causing you so much trouble” he said, causing a sense of deja vu to wash over you.

“Mr. Kim, I understand that not being able to move and do things on your own can be frustrating, but right now it’s what you need” you reprimanded. “You have a large bruise on your hip from your fall earlier. There is no shame in accepting help from others when you need it. And currently, your safety and wellbeing are my primary concern, so please” you broke off, not sure how to sum up your thoughts.

“Sorry” he mumbled again, halfheartedly.

“There is no need to apologize so frequently, Mr. Kim. It is my job to take care of you. Please let me” you said, unable to completely mask how worn out you were. “Can I get you anything before I go?”

“Water… please” he said hesitantly. You quickly grabbed him a bottle from a vending machine down the hall. You were glad to see that this time when you returned, he was still in bed and not sprawled out across the floor.

“If that’ll be all… Goodnight, Mr. Kim” You were halfway out the door when he called out to you.

“Call me V” 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your positive feedback and words of encouragement! They made me feel really good to see, and I’m happy that you like the story so far!

V seemed to have taken your scolding to heart. Lately, the teal haired man hadn’t hesitated to use the call button, whether or not he required assistance. As happy as you were that he was beginning to rely on you, you did enjoy your little talks a bit more. The topics could range from the news and the weather all the way to deeper, more philosophical questions.

The more you talked with him, the more he grew on you. He piqued your curiosity in more than one way. Why teal hair? Why the alias V? What did he do for a living? How had he lost his sight? His psychiatric evaluation didn’t serve much to help ease your interest; if anything, it fueled it. Of course, outright asking him about any of it was out of the question. 

Jumin came by less and less, although he did still visit around twice a week at the minimum. He had already discussed V’s living arrangement with you, asking what they should do to accommodate V’s total loss of sight. You suggested a nurse specialized for assisting people adjust to living with total blindness, for about two weeks. After that, a braille tutor or a guide dog could be provided, if he requested one.

“Good morning, V” you said brightly, carrying a tray of breakfast in with you. You were surprised to find a professional grade camera in his hands as he lightly brushed over it with his fingers. 

“Good morning” he replied politely, gently setting the camera down next to him on the bed. “I was feeling rather nostalgic, so I asked Jumin to drop off my camera” he explained. At the mention of Jumin bringing it, you faintly remembered the dark haired man carrying a black case in with him during his last visit. “I was a photographer”

“Really?” you mused. Well, that was one question down. “May I take a look?” you asked. He smiled, handing you the camera and then starting on his food. It was heavier than you expected it to be, and very complicated at first glance. After turning it on and finding the playback button, you began scrolling through the photos leisurely. Soft praises fell from your lips absentmindedly as you scrolled, commenting on how beautiful they were. Most of them were nature shots, but there were a few portraits of the same woman.

She was beautiful and delicate, and the pictures only seemed to amplify this. Long flowing blond hair and bright green eyes. Dressed in all white, she was the picture of innocence. The pictures where she was smiling seemed blinding, aided by the faint glow of the sun behind her. “V, who is this woman? She’s beautiful…” you asked before you could stop yourself. V stopped eating, completely dropping his fork on the tray of food. A pained expression ghosted over his face before turning into a bright smile.

“That is my fiance, Rika” he said with so much love that it made your heart clench. But the real shock was the name.  _ Rika _ . The name that he had been mumbling for days when he first arrived, even when so drugged that he couldn’t think straight. 

But, not once had this woman come to see him. You frowned deeply, thankful that V couldn’t see your expression. You wanted to ask about her, about where she was and how come she had not come to see her fiance, when he clearly cherished this person more than anyone else in the world… Perhaps she had been busy with work? You wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, especially after seeing the lifting effect that she seemed to have on V. You excused yourself instead, returning the camera to it’s owner. 

No matter what you did, the mystery of V’s fiance nagged at the back of your mind throughout the day. You were extremely tempted to ask Jumin about her during his next visit. Though, it wasn't your place to get so involved and V was almost ready to be discharged.

Getting attached to your patients had always been a small problem. It was always a bit hard to let go of someone that you had cared for, but even more so when you completely lost them. You tried not to let it affect your professionalism, but it was known by your coworkers that you had used the supply closet to cry from time to time.

This was one of those times. After you had returned to your desk, one of your coworkers broke the news that a girl who had been transferred to your ward only two weeks ago had lost her battle with cancer. She had been just over the age of 18.

The buzzing of your phone alarm cut you short. You took a few deep breaths, wiping your eyes on the back of your hands before making your rounds.

“Welcome back” V said as you walked into his room. You gave a small smile and a wave, before remembering that he couldn't see it. Reluctantly, you greeted him verbally, your voice still hoarse from being worked up. V frowned slightly, a small crease forming between his brows “You're not getting sick are you? It's that time of year after all”

“No, it's nothing like that” you said. “Thank you for worrying” The room fell silent as you worked, which was unusual as of recent.

“I don't wish to pressure you, MC, but if you'd like to share what's on your mind, I'd be happy to listen” he offered with a smile.

“Thanks, that's very sweet” you said. You waited a moment, considering if telling him might make you feel any better “A girl that I took care of passed away today. She was so young and full of life and-” you explained in a rush, breaking off when tears threatening to fall from your eyes again. You took a few minutes to gather your composure while V waited patiently. “I know it isn't very mature or professional of me, but I couldn't help but get upset”

“I'm sorry for your loss” he said and you could feel the sincerity laced in his quiet voice. It was very soothing to the ear and you took comfort in it. “But I don't think it is wrong to allow yourself to grieve either” 

“Thank you, V. Your kind words mean a lot” you replied, gratefully.

“Thank you for thinking so, MC” he returned. He paused for a moment, his mouth slightly open, as if contemplating whether or not he should say something. “May I ask you something?” he finally said.

“Of course”

“Does my hair look alright?” You couldn’t stop the first few laughs that escaped you at the strange question. Though you could feel the heaviness in the air begin to dissolve. Nonetheless, you approached him, inspecting it with your eyes.

“You have a bit of outgrowth” you commented, focused on the thick black line that was sprouting from his part. “And the rest is a bit faded. What made you want to dye your hair teal?” you asked, casually.

“It matched my eyes” V said with a shrug. You chuckled a bit at his response. When you thought back to the first time you had seen them, they had seemed almost white from the scarring. 

“V… how did you hurt your eyes?” The question slipped through your lips thoughtlessly. It had been resting at the back of your mind, but your train of thought seemed to have deemed it important in the moment and ran with it. V visibly stiffened, his body language translating that he was on guard. “Sorry. That wasn’t supposed to come out” you frantically began explaining. “I mean, I was curious, sure, but I would never expect you to answer something so personal. After all, I’ve only been your nurse for a week and a half and it’s not like you’re expected to share your life story with me and I’ve already put my foot in my mouth and I should really just stop talking ‘cuz I’m only making it worse and-”

The sound of laughter cut off your rambling. Your face was hot to the touch, though you didn’t need to place your hands to your cheeks to know that. V was relaxed once more, his shoulders still shaking slightly with the remnants of laughter that he was trying desperately to hide. “Pardon my laughter” V said sounding out of breath. “But your reaction was very comical” Your face burned hotter at his comment, the heat beginning to prickle down your neck. “I know you did not mean to offend me. Your heart is too kind for that”

“I-I should go finish my rounds” you stammered before quickly exiting the room. As much as you wanted to beat yourself up about your carelessness, that would have to wait. You still had your rounds to finish after all.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know I refer to the V’s nurse as ‘MC’, but I don’t necessarily mean any of the MCs from MM, so feel free to imagine them however you like!

The day had barely just begun, and yet the air about the hospital felt different. Perhaps it was due to the lively energy created by the group coming to visit V. Jumin was the first to sign in, quiet, but polite as usual, with a duffle bag slung over one shoulder. Behind him, Zen and Jaehee chattered excitedly about his next big role. In his arms, the actor held both flowers and balloons for his friend, while Jaehee was carrying a small cake. Yoosung brought up the rear, headphones in his ears and his thumbs furiously tapping the small screen of his phone.

“V, you have a lot of visitors today” you greeted cheerfully from the doorway, four heads popping over your shoulders to get a glimpse at the teal haired man lying in bed. You stepped aside, letting everyone enter. Zen was the first to run up to the bed, throwing his arms around the other man after plopping his gifts on a chair. He brought V into a tight hug, while everyone but Jumin laughed at his reaction. 

“Don’t break him Zen, otherwise he might have to stay a bit longer” Jumin scolded, lightly. Zen let go to face him, face scrunched up in annoyance, clearly bothered by the director’s teasing.

Jaehee was next, placing a hand lightly to his shoulder and saying it was a relief that he was alright and apologized for not coming to visit more often. He laughed at that, commenting that he knew how hectic everything must have been at the office, with Jumin coming to visit him so often. Yoosung plucked the buds out from his ears and greeted V a tad awkwardly, though he did seem genuinely relieved that the older man would be discharged soon. The blonde bent down and whispered something into his ear that made V’s face go blank before turning into a beaming smile.

Jumin was the last to greet his friend, and although it was simple, the mutual love and trust between the two men was apparent. After the introductions were done, everyone huddled around his bed, silent, but smiling. You took note of the fact that his fiance had yet to make an appearance, and wondered if she ever would. Regardless, the smile plastered on V’s own face could light up the world.

“Thank you all for being here. It is a rare occurrence when we all get to be together like this” V said happily, and although he couldn’t see them, it almost seemed as if he could. “Is there any special reason, besides fortunate timing?” V addressed the group, generally. You cleared your throat, moving from the door for the first time, standing a little aways from everyone else.

“Congratulations, V. You get to go home today!” you said merrily, despite the sad smile creeping on your face. Everyone in the room applauded at your announcement and Zen even cheered “Whoop!”, enthusiastically. Laughter erupted throughout the room, and soon the cake was being cut and served.

“Please have a piece, too MC” Yoosung approached you, slice in hand. You took it gratefully, catching a few bites on your fork before putting it in your mouth. You took the rest back to your desk, allowing them to continue the festivities in private. You pulled up the paperwork for V’s release, unaware that your eyes had already started to water. A tear fell onto the documents, and you reached up to wipe your eyes. Strange. Rarely had you cried for someone getting to go home. 

You stacked the documents neatly before putting them on a clipboard and wedging a pen on top. You had printed out several copies, as V would still have to sign himself out. This way, if he missed a line due to his blindness, it would be an easy fix. 

You waited patiently at your desk for someone to either press their call button or alert you that V was ready to leave. It was well over two hours before Jumin came to your station from the room to tell you so. “MC, I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking such good care of V” he said once you had both joined everyone.

“MC, that doesn’t mean much. Jumin’s heart is pretty shallow” Zen quipped, looking rather proud of himself at the annoyed expression that Jumin made. 

"Do you have to start something  _ right  _ now?” Yoosung protested, timidly. “It’s supposed to be a happy occasion”

“Ah- Sorry Yoosung… Force of habit” Zen said, scratching the back of his head, sheepishly.

“Thank you for coming, everyone” V spoke up, everyone turning their attention towards him. “Might I have a moment to get ready alone?” You clutched the clipboard to your chest as everyone thanked and passed you, before approaching V.

“I have the release forms right here, V” You handed him the pen, which he took in his left hand. You placed the clipboard on his lap, then gently reached for his hand. “Sign here” you said, moving his hand back and forth over the line so that he would be familiar with how much space he had. You repeated this process with every initial and signature needed, and surprisingly you didn’t have to use the extra copies.

“Let’s get you unhooked” you said aloud, reaching for his arms to carefully remove all the IVs and wires attached to him. You helped him into a standing position, supporting some of his weight while his footing stabilized.

“There should be a duffle bag somewhere in the room. It has a change of clothes” V said. You spotted it on a nearby chair, quickly handing it to him. He placed it on the bed, which he now used to support his weight.

“I’ll go put these away” you said, moving to grab the papers.

“Wait” V said, stopping you. “MC, as Jumin said, thank you for taking such good care of me” A small smile was on his lips, and he felt around until he had a hand on your shoulder. His hand slid down the length of your right arm gently until he caught your hand in between both of his. You blinked in surprise a moment before patting your joined hands lightly. 

“Don’t let it go to waste and take care of yourself” you chided mildly, hand slipping from between his so that you could collect the clipboard. “If you have any questions, you know where to find me” 

You helped him into the bathroom so that he could change before stripping the sheets from his bed and tidying up the room. He opened the door and called for you, asking you to assist him outside. Once again you were helping support him as you guided him outside to reunite with his loved ones.

Jumin took over soon, having a walker ready for his friend to use. In exchange, you handed him an instructional packet on maintaining a cleaned wound and the healing process. He took the now empty duffle bag from V as well, tossing it over his shoulder again. You bid everyone one final goodbye, watching their figures retreat as they all followed V out the door.

* * *

“One more step” Jumin warned as he helped V up the stairs to his shared apartment. “Jihyun, I’ve already looked into a nurse to take care of you. I’ll remain with you until she arrives” The pair had just crossed the threshold, Jumin heading straight for the bedroom to put away the duffle bag. V slowly tried to refamiliarize himself with the space, fumbling over to his couch with the aid of the walker.

“Jumin, is a nurse really necessary?” V exhaled as he sat himself down. The climb had made him slightly winded after not having been mobile for two weeks. “I’ve been adjusting for months, and besides- ” Jumin was just making his way over to his friend. “I have Rika” Jumin froze, crouched slightly over the chair that he was about to seat himself in at the comment. “Jumin?” V frowned when he got no response.

“Sorry” Jumin said, offering no further explanation. “V, you can’t rely on Rika to take care of you” Jumin drew out cautiously, straightening once again. “I know she was sympathetic when you were shot, but she is unwell. And you must remember that you aren’t engaged anymore” At that, V’s face soured.

“Where is Rika? I must see her” V said, standing much too quickly. His head swam a bit, almost making him tip over, but he paid it no mind. Now that he was out of the hospital, he had to make his way to her, even if his own body refused to cooperate.

“V, sit back down. You’re not supposed to exert yourself” Jumin said.

“Take me to see Rika” V said halfway between a plea and a command. 

“V, you’ve only just gotten out-”

“I don’t care about that!” V said, insistently. “She was all I thought about while confined to that bed. She never visited me, but I still thought of her. I can’t abandon her now, Jumin. I need to prove my love, I- forget it. You wouldn’t understand” he remarked, uncharacteristically cold. The other man said nothing, and even though he couldn’t see the effect that his words had had on Jumin, V could still sense the hurt that he dealt his best friend. “Jumin, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-”

Jumin let out a heavy sigh, seating himself next to his friend. Surprisingly, V followed suit, his guilt overwhelming him. “Jihyun, after all that woman did to you, you would still choose to be by her side? You’re quite right; I don’t understand” Jumin said, disappointedly. 

“Jumin, I love her with all of my soul” V said, a pained expression washed over his features. “I promised her that for as long as I lived I would love her. Always support her. Never stray from her. I hope someday soon that you get to experience the same depth of love”

“Jihyun…” Jumin said with a hiss, as if the name stung his tongue. He took a sharp inhale of breath, and it didn’t take V long to figure that he was trying not to cry. “I should have told you sooner, but I was advised against it…”

“Tell me what?” V said, a mix of confusion and concern both filling him inside and being expressed on his face.

“Jihyun… Rika is dead”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for your continued support! I'm glad you like the story so far!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter may be a little spoilery if you haven’t finished the game/secret endings. Mainly stuff involving Rika. Also, angst ahead and possible trigger warning for severe depression/self harm (sorry V)

_ ‘Rika is dead’  _

V still remembered clearly the day that he had typed similar words into the messenger. He had logged out immediately after saying it was a suicide, offering no further explanation to the grieving RFA members. He had looked back at the conversation from the safety of the chat log, not having the heart to be confronted by any of them, especially not Yoosung. He was a coward.

He justified his plan at the time with the good intention of wanting to protect all of the RFA from learning the truth; The thought that Rika,  _ his Rika _ , would stray so far... But even after all she had done, he still loved her, had promised her forever even. He loved her despite the darkness swirling inside of her, for he knew how beautifully it contrasted the pure white of her soul. If he had left her then, than he would have been no better than the awful people who had given her up for adoption.

He knew his devotion to Rika was a catalyst, and he couldn’t help but feel responsible for what she had become.  _ I should have encouraged her more to continue with therapy. I should have been there for her more. I should have let her use me to take away her pain. I should have. I should have. I should have.  _ So he had watched her idly; watched as she corrupted a boy that she had once so desperately wanted to save. Watched as her cousin, the one who idolized her, was torn to shreds by the news of her ‘death’. Watched as Jumin became even more reclusive, believing that he had truly lost the only other person besides V that he could confide in.

It was all his fault. He could have stopped it. All of it. But he hadn’t. He thought that through his love, he could heal Rika. But he couldn't.

_ He had failed. _

He expected that he wouldn’t need to hear those words- ‘Rika is dead’- for another half of a century at least. She could finally be with the sun, where no darkness could ever survive. He was happy that she had gotten her release, but every selfish part of him wished that he was the one who had died instead. He couldn’t live without her, live without Rika in his life. She was his sun. She was his soul. She was everything.

But it was fitting that he remain alive to suffer, after all of his transgressions. In some religions, Christ had bore his cross for humanity’s sake. It seemed a punishment fitting for himself, though he was no martyr. He would instead suffer in silence.

He had forced Jumin, tears still in his eyes, out of his home. He never visited the messenger, going as far as deleting it so he wouldn’t feel tempted. He had refused to leave his home or answer the door. This went on for months until finally, Luciel of all people had come to fetch him- whether he did it willingly it or not was another matter.

“V?” The almost 24 year old shouted from the entrance of the apartment. He had been forced to pick the lock. It seemed that before shutting himself away from the world, V had taken the liberty of changing the locks.

When he got no response he ventured further into the apartment. A musty smell hung in the air, and a thick layer of dust had settled on nearly every surface from disuse. The redhead curiously opened the trash, surprised to find it empty. He seemed to have kept up with some household chores it had seemed.

He strode down the hall with purpose: he would drag V outside himself if that's what it took. His steps possessed all of the stealth of a cat- a side effect after years of being a secret agent. 

He burst through the bedroom door, eyes struggling to search for the aforementioned man in the dark room. He flipped on a light, nearly gasping once he saw the figure lying on the bed.

He was positively pale and gaunt; And while it was clear that he wasn't eating enough, he seemed to be eating just enough to sustain himself. His hair was nearly shoulder length, half of it his dark natural hair, which Saeyoung himself had never seen, admittedly, and the other half clinging to the faintest teal color. He was unshaven, his facial hair a jet black unkempt mess. He was nearly unrecognizable.

Pale eyes opened and zeroed in on the door, as if they were staring right through Saeyoung. “V” the younger man said in pain.

“Luciel” V tried to say, but it came out too faint to hear.

“It’s Saeyoung” he announced icily, but quickly returned to his previous state of upset. “What is the meaning of this?!” Saeyoung cried angrily as he approached the bed. His hands flew to the other man, clutching onto his shoulders for support. Tears stung his eyes as he shook the him in anger. “You're killing yourself!”

V shook his head weakly. “I’ll live” His voice was barely audible. “Wouldn't you rather me be dead?”

“D-dead? Are you stupid?!” Saeyoung shouted back. “I haven't forgiven you yet, but I don't want that!” He lowered his head onto his father figure’s chest, overwhelmed with emotion. V laid motionless, the weight of Luciel- no, Saeyoung’s head making it extremely hard to breathe.

He began sputtering, the redhead jumping from him immediately and wiping his eyes. “C’mon” he said. “Get up” V got his breathing back under control, but otherwise made no attempt to move. With a frustrated growl, Saeyoung pulled him from the bed, hauling his arms over his shoulders so that V’s chest was to his back. “Dragging it is” he grumbled under his breath.

* * *

 

Saeyoung had handed V off to Jumin, who immediately called in a stylist. After his hair was cut and he was clean shaven, Jumin had dialed the hospital; He refused to stand by and do nothing while his friend was slowly killing himself. 

“Jihyun, if you leave me, I’ll never forgive you” Jumin had nearly growled at his best friend on the car ride to the hospital. His emotions had been going haywire ever since Saeyoung had reported V’s condition. He no longer held the composed aura of a corporate heir, but that of a man desperate to save his best friend. 

V was provided a wheelchair once they arrived, which a nurse wheeled towards a pair of thick metal doors, Jumin in toe. A security guard also stood in front of it, and Jumin took note that a key card was also needed to gain access. He moved aside, allowing the nurse to swipe her key card and opened the door.

“Sir, please turn out your pockets” The guard instructed, stopping Jumin before he could follow. Annoyed at being stopped, he did as told, though, in his mind he was imagining how easy it would be to have this man fired. The rational part of him knew that the man was just doing his job, but Jumin was beyond reason himself.

The nurse handling V had kindly swiped him in as well, waiting for him on the other side of the door. Once Jumin had walked through, the air grew heavy with the scent of the products used for sterilization. They walked a short while before stopping abruptly in front of a closed door, which the nurse produced a key for to unlock it.

The room was simple, though devoid of any color besides white. A twin bed, a small table for placing personal items, and a sink without a mirror were all that occupied the room. One lone window was in the room, much to small for anyone to crawl through, but it was barred, regardless. It was wrong that he was here. Wrong that  _ V _ was here.

“Mr. Han, I’m afraid that you must leave” the nurse turned and said to him firmly, but gently after moving V to the bed. Reluctantly, Jumin obeyed, a troubled look on his face as he left. After they were alone, the nurse ran V through what would happen next. He would need a parenteral nutrition, to deliver nutrients straight into his veins via drip, and an IV to rehydrate him. A psychiatrist would be working with him every day.

V felt detached from everything; he could see that everyone was trying so hard to save him. He didn’t deserve their help, but he didn’t have the energy to resist, either. 

No one came to see V for a long while- that’s what it felt like anyway. Alone in that room it was hard to distinguish an hour from a day, and a day from a week. He was practically catatonic the last time Jumin had come in.

_ “I had thought that  the therapy was helping you… I understand that it will take time to heal, but…” _

V was beyond guilt, beyond even remorse. He was finally alone, where all he could do was reflect on all of the wrong he had done to those he claimed to have loved. 

What a fitting punishment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> V is this chapter is actually based on my mom’s best friend. Much like V, after her spouse had died she lost all her will to live


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This chapter is loooooooong overdue T-T  
> Sorry it took so long, but school had my hands tied up! Anyways, I hope you enjoy the new chapter!

You had known that V had been at the hospital for a while now thanks to the whispers of hospital gossip. Your heart ached after finding out that he had needed to recover mentally in the psych ward and though you wanted to, you hadn’t yet gathered up the courage to see him. You weren’t sure if your head or your heart could stand to see him like that. According to what you had heard, he was still in such a horrible state.

You had set a date far in advance when you would finally visit him. And that day, unfortunately, happened to be today. You swallowed thickly while waiting for someone with clearance to open the doors to the psychiatric ward for you and take you to him. Your hands were fiddling with the small potted plant of flowers that you had picked up. What had the florist called them again… Snapdragons. You nearly dropped it once the door was opened and you were standing inside of his room.

It was dark, with a shade thrown over the only window in the room and harsh artificial lights turned off. “V, you have a visitor” the nurse said softly before closing the door, leaving just the two of you. He gave no reaction to the statement, and you thought that perhaps he was asleep. Upon moving closer to the bed to place the plant on the small table besides it, you stared for a long while at a head of black hair. 

“V, it's MC” you murmured, gently. He turned his face towards yours, the slightest hint of recognition in his dulled eyes. He was much thinner than the last time you had seen him, despite being thin even then. Beyond the physical characteristics, he seemed near lifeless; no longer was the kind man whom you’d shared many stimulating conversations with. More than once you caught yourself thinking ‘Could this really be V?’

The same pale, damaged eyes fixated on where you would be. “I'm sorry” he got out in a raspy whisper.

“S-sorry?” you stammered in confusion at his apology. What could he have possibly done to you that he felt the need to be sorry?

Without even needing to see your expression he said, knowingly “Didn't take care of myself” His lip curled into a smile, but there was no joy in it.

“V…” You trailed off. A tentative hand reached out to touch him, as if that would be enough to take away his pain. Thinking better of it, you retracted your hand, your heart growing steadily heavier. You were completely at a loss for words. Never had you seen someone who looked so fragile, so broken. 

Nothing else was said between the two of you for the duration of your visit. The silence was as heartbreaking as it was oppressive. You began to wonder if it were a mistake to visit him at all; you weren’t especially close. So why did you feel obligated to see him?

“Would it be alright if I saw you again tomorrow?” you drew out, hesitantly. As uncomfortable as you were, you couldn’t ignore the special interest that you harbored for V. Perhaps it was because you were his nurse, but more than anything you wanted to see him become healthy and lively again. Of course, recovering would have to be a decision that he would have to make for himself; trying to save someone that had lost the will to live was often a losing battle.

***

You felt sluggish from the other side of the door after your first visit. It had barely been half an hour, but seeing V in his deteriorated state seemed to have stopped time. Being in that room had made you feel helpless. Physical injuries were much easier to see and mend, but your desire to help was omnipresent. Admitting that currently there was nothing that you could do for him was hard to swallow.

Unlike you had suggested, it was about a week until you had mustered up the courage to go back and see him. For the most part, the visit was the same as your first, albeit quieter on his part. You greeted him politely and apologized for not visiting him as soon as you said you would,  which he acknowledged with a look, and spoke to him about current events and such. Again, it was a rather short visit, as you didn’t quite yet have the stamina to stay for long periods of time in the oppressive atmosphere.

You left that day feeling just as tired as the first, trying to not let it show too easily on your face. While you reflected on the day, comparing both visits you kept your head slightly lowered. While walking the narrow hallways still lost in thought, you nearly walked into somebody else.

“MC?” a surprisingly familiar, deep voice said in a mixture of disbelief and shock. Snapping from your thoughts, you looked up to see Jumin. You caught his surprised expression just a moment before it returned to a more neutral expression. “Pardon my surprise. It is nice to see you again” he said politely.

“Hello, Jumin” you replied, trying your best to hide your own shock. “It is nice to see you, too. Although the location is admittedly a bit strange” you commented, the latter half more to yourself than to him. The director nodded once silently, seemingly in agreement.

“Are you alright, MC? You look a bit pale” He was eyeing you carefully, and had you not been so tired, his gaze would have made you squirm.

“I’m just a bit tired is all” you admitted, offering a faint smile. “Thank you for your concern” There was a small pause before the corporate heir cleared his throat and spoke.

“Were you here to visit Jihyun?” he asked. You answered him truthfully, telling him that this had only been your second visit. “I see” he said after you had explained. “I myself haven’t been able to visit as much as I would like to” he divulged. He closed his eyes, lost in thought a moment before saying, “MC, if you would be so kind as to allow me some of your time tonight, I’d like to discuss some things with you over dinner”

* * *

You tried not to look too out of place as you sat across from Jumin in a restaurant where one bottle of wine cost more than your rent. You were seated in a small booth that was a ways away from the main seating area, offering you and him the utmost privacy. Despite having dressing up for the occasion, you couldn’t help but feel underdressed next to the man in a three piece suit. He paid your attire no mind however, politely stating that you looked beautiful this evening when he had picked you up in the back of a limousine.

“MC, thank you for taking the time to meet with me on such short notice” Jumin said after taking a long sip of his wine. “I wanted to discuss Jihyun” You relaxed a little when he stated why you were out together. He hadn’t told you much earlier, as you’d both been in somewhat of a rush. And while you had assumed it wasn’t to court you, the uncertainness had been unnerving.

“I’m sure it was quite surprising to hear that he was back in the hospital” Jumin continued, his voice calm and smooth. “To be honest, I had not expected you to visit him” He took another long sip, his eyes never leaving you. “I would have thought it strange once; you were only paid to be his caretaker quite some time ago. But then, I met someone who explained that you must take other’s feelings into account” There was almost a wistful tone in his voice as he mentioned that person, though his face gave nothing away.

“That person must be very special to have had such an influence on you” You observed, drawing out a faint smile from Jumin .

“Yes, she is very special” He agreed. “One of the kindest women I’ve ever known” he added, and the smile slipped from his face. “My apologies for getting so off topic. V had a person like that once. A fiance” You had remembered the mention of a woman...

“Rika, correct?” you inquired. Jumin couldn’t hide the surprise on his face this time.

“Yes” he confirmed in slight astonishment.

“He used to say her name all of the time in his sleep” you explained, sheepishly.

“I see…” Jumin averted his eyes from you for the first time that night, furrowing his brows in thought. “V used to be a lot colder before he met Rika. She changed something in him with their love- they were perfect together” he stated, brows still knit together in incomprehension. “But she was mentally sick. She hid it from everyone- even myself though we were close. Jihyun was the only one that knew…” 

“That’s quite a large burden to bear alone” you said with a small frown. 

“Indeed…” he took a long pause, his eyes focused on the wine glass in is hand. “Her death is what brought on his hospitalization” The air turned heavy after Jumin stated that. His eyes finally rose back to yours. “MC, did you ever find it strange that while he mentioned her, she had never made an appearance?”

“Yes” you admitted “But it was not my place to ask those kinds of personal questions” He said nothing as he watched you, turning the tension in the air even thicker. You couldn’t help but wonder why he had told you about V’s fiance, though it did sate your curiosity. 

As if just realizing what he was doing, Jumin blinked a few times, returning to his cool self. “Please pardon my rudeness, MC. Shall we order, then?” Both of you made small conversation as for the rest of dinner, somewhat reminiscent of the times you used to talk at the hospital. The earlier tension had seemed to dissolve for the most part, or perhaps it felt that way after a few glasses of the expensive wine.

“Thank you for dinner tonight, Jumin” you said quietly as the car stopped in front of your apartment.

“MC, please keep everything I told you tonight about V a secret” Jumin said, stopping you mid reach for the door. “He does not like to be the topic of others’ conversations, and while normally I would abide by him, I thought it necessary that you at least learned why he was in the hospital, should you continue to visit him” Something akin to guilt flickered across his face. You wished to ask him if he was alright, but the look had vanished as soon as it had come.

“Thank you, Jumin” you offered with a soft smile and a light touch to his shoulder. You weren’t sure how much comfort the action warranted, but you hoped it had at least eased him a bit.

“Should you need anything…” he trailed off, pulling out a business card from his wallet and handing it to you. “Please give me a call” You thanked him for the third time that night before retiring up to your apartment.

_ “You’re very kind” _ he thought as he watched you leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I chose snapdragons because “the Snapdragon means it represents strength. The flower can also mean deception or concealment”. Strength + concealment/ deception = V. Plus, if you squeeze the sides, they open! They’re so fun to play with


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BAM! Another chapter!
> 
> The next few weeks I'll be swamped with midterms and studying, so I thought I'd post a chapter before I get all tied up again. As always, I hope you enjoy it!

You walked into his room with more confidence on your next visit, thanks to Jumin’s brief background information. You had a bag with you today, full of a few books that you planned to read but had never gotten around to since the hospital often kept you busy. Since you always were the one who made conversation anyways, you figured reading aloud to him wouldn’ be much different. Two birds, one stone.

“Good morning, V!” you greeted softly, but cheerfully. “I brought a few books with me. Would it be okay if I read to you?” you asked, setting the heavy bag down into a chair that had been added to the room, at your request. His absence of an answer didn’t faze you as much as it had your first visit, and you comfortably moved around the confined space. “Would it be alright if I opened the shades?” 

Again, he remained silent, and you took it as a sign that it wouldn’t bother him. You flinched at first at the rapid change in brightness that the natural light provided. The room itself seemed to morph into a new space entirely. You dragged the chair a bit closer to the bed, moving the bag of books to the floor and taking their place. At random, your hand dove into the pile and picked one before beginning to read aloud.

***

You read that day until your voice grew slightly hoarse, surprised to find that many hours had passed. The setting sun now cast an orange hue over the room that may have been romantic in another setting. 

Admittedly, you were a rather slow reader, so there was still plenty of pages left to work through. After marking the page, you set the book aside and turned your attention to V. You had snuck small glances at him as you read, and had you not known better, you would have thought him to be asleep. As you placed the book on the side table, he reopened his eyes.

“Ah, it’s getting late… I should get going” you noted, casually. You stopped just short of exiting the door, turning back to him. “V, if you want me to stop reading to you, or stop visiting… Please let me know, okay?” You had decided prior to this visit that you intended on visiting him for a long while, if he would have you. To your surprise, he moved his head up and down just enough for you to catch. You couldn’t stop the smile that spread across your face as you walked out. 

Visiting V and reading to him had become a pattern that developed rapidly; what started as a few days easily became nearly a week, until it became several weeks later. Most days, he lay still with his eyes closed you had come to find in your time spent together. But there was still a noticeable difference when he was truly asleep. You could see the peace wash over his face, an expression that you hoped to see him make once he was awake.

It was disheartening to find that weeks later he still showed no sign of improvement. You knew that the depression tablets and mood stabilizers took time to take full effect. Despite your frustration, you continued visiting him, talking with him, and reading to him. While his progress seemed to be lacking, you relished the smallest victories. Like how he now sometimes responded to your questions with his head, or how after the first day that you read to him, the shades were never closed again.

As predicted, there were days when he turned you away, or didn’t want you to read. Those days you respected his wishes, either leaving promptly, or talking about current events, respectively. Sometimes, Jumin even stopped by and you did a joint visit. On those days, an extra chair was brought in and he listened to you read just as attentively as his best friend.

However, the physical and mental toll of visiting him nearly every day, while maintaining your own life was beginning to get to you. You had nearly collapsed at work once, at which you were immediately sent home and told to take a few days to rest. Knowing that you would be no help to anyone if you stopped taking care of yourself, you reluctantly took the time to recover. 

After almost falling ill, you had set up some boundaries for yourself to keep you healthy: you would take at least one day a week for yourself, you would always make time for yourself to eat, as you often visited V during your lunch breaks, and you would go see a therapist yourself if necessary. 

* * *

“The End” you said with a soft smile, eyes a bit tired from how long you had read today. Determined to finish the book, you had ignored the slight tug straining your eyes. You placed the book down, rubbing small circles over your eyes in an attempt to soothe them. “Wow! We’re already halfway done!” you noted, wistfully, slumping back further into the chair. You let your eyes flutter shut, allowing them a few moments of rest before you would drive home.

He couldn’t see you, but he knew you were still there. His heightened hearing picked up the faintest, even breathing from across from him, and he allowed himself to sigh heavily. He didn’t quite understand why you had felt the need to visit so frequently. Maybe you had still felt guilty for him being readmitted. Or perhaps it was simply due to your kindness.

He often let his mind wander as you read in your soft voice; since he had never seen you, it was easy to imagine you as  _ her _ . His head would be resting in her lap, her slender fingers working their way through his hair soothingly. They’d be at the park, at sunset like they often were, sitting on a grassy hill and taking in the world around them. Her voice would be just louder than the slight breeze blowing past them, almost too faint to hear.

“I feel so warm” he murmured, grabbing one of her wrists lightly and guiding it to cup his cheek, then nuzzling into her palm.

“V…” she would coo lovingly, leaning over so that her long golden looks spilled over her shoulders, creating a curtain of hair around them. She would wait a moment, drawing out the anticipation before her sweet lips met his in a chaste kiss.

No. He couldn’t be so naive.

She was dead. 

And you, well, he didn’t know what to make of you. 

Not even Jumin made as much an effort as you had in coming to see him, though he didn’t blame his closest  friend, considering everything that had happened.

He listened to you a little while longer before pressing his call button. A nurse was dispatched shortly, and after spotting you in the chair she gently woke you, telling you that visiting hours were over. He relaxed his face, feigning sleep to avoid- he didn’t know. He had let himself grow accustomed to your presence, enduring your visits silently. You still bid him goodbye as usual, albeit half broken up by a yawn this time.

Did you not have a life? Friends and family wondering where you were spending all of your free time? And if they knew, did they not question why?

Getting curious about you would do nothing for him. Or you. After all, the last time he had grown curious over someone... Another deep sigh left him after the sound of the heavy door closing hit his ears, and he closed his eyes firmly shut, hoping to get lost in sleep.


End file.
